


Conversations

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-15
Updated: 2014-02-15
Packaged: 2018-01-12 12:21:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1186151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Found this hanging about on my Hard Drive so decided to post it. It's several conversations and is sort of cracky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conversations

NUMBER ONE.

PIGS MIGHT JUMP AND OTHER INTERESTING SAYINGS.

Jack/Ianto.

 

''What are you doing, Jack?''

''What does it look like I'm doing? I'm researching?''

''What?''

''Interesting sayings and phrases. Like this one--Pigs might jump!''

"Pigs might fly.''

''Really? It says jump here.''

"It's definitely fly.''

''Are you sure?''

''Positive.''

''Well, that's idiotic, who ever heard of a flying pig?''

''That's the whole point.''

''What?''

''That's the point. Pigs don't fly.''

''Ianto----''

''What?''

''Have you ever seen a pig jump?''

''No.''

''Well then. If pigs don't jump or fly it could be pigs might jump.''

''I'm not really that familiar with the habits of pigs, Jack. For all I know they may jump occasionally. I know that they can't fly though.''

''Have you ever been familiar with a pig?''

"No, and I don't want to try it either. It's always pigs might fly. It's never pigs might jump and I don't care what it says there.''

''There's one here about chickens. Don't keep all your chickens in one basket.''

"That's not right, Jack.''

''Isn't it?''

"It's --don't keep all your eggs in one basket, I think.''

''Surely that would depend on how big the basket is?''

''It doesn't matter how big the basket is. Its a saying. It doesn't have anything to do with eggs really.''

''What's the one about chickens then? Come on Ianto, you know all these useless things, what is it?''

''It think--its something like---don't count your chickens before they're hatched------I don't know why you're laughing----it isn't actually funny---and you can stop doing that too!''

''Just let me-----there--aren't you much more comfortable now?''

''Oh yes, I love sitting in your office, where anyone might come in at any moment, with my trousers undone.''

''I'll undo mine as well-----''

''I wish you wouldn't------''

''You normally wish I would-----''

"What about some more sayings--I know some----just stop doing that a moment so I can concentrate------stop-----oh well-----yes------just there-----ow---don't bite it-------that's better-----mnnnnnn------mnnnnnn--------''

''OH!''

''WHAT? JACK! WHAT IS IT?''

''I know a saying---''

"IS THAT ALL----YOU GET ME ALL EXCITED AND THEN STOP BECAUSE YOU KNOW A SAYING?''

''Yes, its--Besser ein Spatz in der Hand, als eine Taube auf dem Dach.''

''What the fuck does that mean?''

''Ianto, such language. Its German.''

''Yes , but what does it mean, or don't you know?"

''Of course I know, its--A sparrow in the hand is better than a pigeon on the roof.''

"WHAT?"

''A sparrow in the hand-----''

''I heard you the first time---I've never heard such rubbish-----oh----wait----it might be ---A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush---I bet its the German version of that!''

''That's idiotic. I've never had a bird in my hand---wait a minute--I did once---it was a Relocite.''

''A what?''

''A Relocite. It's big and purple and spits.''

''It doesn't sound much like a bird.''

"It's a bird. It doesn't fly, it just runs, very fast.''

''How did you get it in your hand then?"

''It was dead. I was eating it.''

''That doesn't count. It has to be a live bird, I think.''

''You couldn't get a live Relocite in your hand. Too big. Anyhow, they spit. They can spit a long way too.''

''I think Ostriches spit.''

''Do they?"

''I think so. Anyway, I'm sitting here on your desk with my cock hanging out of my trousers and we're having a conversation about spitting birds.''

''Interesting, isn't it?''

''I could think of other words for it.''

''Shall I do something about your cock then. I could always spit on it. I can spit a long way too.''

''JACK!''

''WHAT?''

''STOP TALKING AND GET ON WITH IT!"

''O.K.''

''Mnn better than a Relocite, I'm sure.''

 

NUMBER TWO

RASHES CAN BE INTERESTING

Jack/Owen.

 

''So, what is it then?''

''It's a rash!''

''I know that. I can see I have a rash. I want to know what's caused it and how to get rid of it.''

''I'll give you some anti-histamine.''

''Will that get rid of it?''

''Probably.''

''Probably?"

"I can't be positive. It'll probably work.''

''A lot of use you are as a Doctor. Here I am red all over and all you can say is------''

''All over?''

''Yes.''

All over everything?''

"I thought that's what all over meant!''

''Let me see.''

''I'm not showing you my private---bits.''

''I've seen them before.''

''When?''

''Jack, I've seen everyone's private--bits. I'm a Doctor. You can show them to me with complete confidence.''

''Alright then.''

''--------I see what you mean now----they are very red aren't they----and so is that---what have you been up to?''

''Nothing out of the ordinary.''

''Fucked anything weird lately?''

''I never fuck anything weird. At least--- I haven't for a while.''

''What about Ianto?"

''I didn't think he counted as weird.''

''So you have fucked him then?''

"Mind your own business.''

''Has he got a rash too?''

''No.''

''Are you sure?''

"Owen, if he had a rash he'd want it treated wouldn't he?''

''Have you tried that cream I gave you last time you had a rash?"

''That cream made me come out in hives.''

''Yes, that was very interesting. I'd forgotten that.''

''Give me this anti thing and I'll see if it works. I'm tired of being red.''

''O.K. You'll just feel a little prick.''

''I've never felt a little prick------oh--wait--- there was that guy Nigel something or other------OW OW ---THAT HURT."

''Don't make such a fuss----it should work quickly if its going to work at all-------there---somethings happening---------oh fuck-----I didn't expect that result------just put your head down between your knees for a moment-----I know it's a bit swollen but it'll go down in a moment----I hope----- see ---its going down already------you can sit up now-----the red's fading too----''

''MY HEAD SWELLED UP!''

''Don't fuss. You've always had a bit of a swollen head. It worked anyway. You're not red anymore.''

''If my head swells again I'll blame you.''

''Alright. I'll wait with anticipation.''

''You do that.''

''Don't thank me then. Just go away scowling. It's a hard life being a Medical Man. All toil and no thanks.''

''SHUT UP OWEN. BE GRATEFUL I DON'T SUE YOU!''

''Yes, sir. three bags full sir. Kiss your ass sir----on second thoughts--I think I'll skip that last one----''

 

NUMBER THREE

GWEN IS ALARMED

Gwen/Tosh/Jack.

 

''Have you got that data ready yet, Tosh?''

''No. I haven't. Jack gave me a pile of weevil sitings and I've been analyzing them.''

''WHY DON'T YOU GET ON WITH MY STUFF FOR A CHANGE?''

''Don't you shout at me. If you want it in a hurry you can do it yourself. What's wrong with you anyway? You've been in a mood all week.''

''I've got something on my mind.''

"What? If it's affecting your work you ought to tell at least one person.''

''You're just being nosy.''

''Alright, I admit it, I'm curious.''

''It's a female thing.''

''In case you haven't noticed, Gwen, I AM a female!''

''O.K. I'll tell you. I'm late.''

''Late?''

''Yes, you know-----LATE!''

''Oh, that sort of late! How late are you?''

''A week today and I'm really worried. I just get everything right and then---I'm late!''

''I thought you were on the Pill. Did you miss one?''

''One pill, that's all! Tosh, I don't know what I'll do if I'm pregnant!''

''Yes, you do. You'll have it and be very happy and Rhys will be very happy too!''

''If only it were that simple!''

''Don't you think Rhys will be happy or----oh!''

''What d'you mean---oh?"

''I suppose Rhys is the Father?''

''TOSH! Of course if I am, he----oh fuck, fuck----''

''Look, I sympathize, I know there's something about Owen. I don't blame you at all.''

''He's a bastard and I'm an idiot!''

''He has his good points.''

''I can't think of any right now!''

''Rhys would think it was his though, wouldn't he?''

"I told him about Owen.''

''Why did you do a stupid thing like that?''

''I felt guilty. He's always so lovely and supportive.''

''You are in a mess, aren't you?''

''You needn't sound so pleased about it."

''I'm not pleased about it. I'm---I'm just in a good mood, that's all!''

''I'm going to pee and I hope you're not going to tell anyone about this.''

''What tell the men? No.''

''Have you finished yet, Tosh? I need that data.''

''Almost, Jack. Gwen interrupted me-----just one more----ah--here you are---you can see---here and here--where the peaks are----''

''Is Gwen alright?''

''She thinks she's pregnant but don't let her know I told you. If she is she'll have to say before too long anyway.''

''I wonder who the Father is?''

''Yes, so do I. Here she comes now-----she looks quite cheerful.''

''Everything's fine. I was just really late. It's probably stress.''

''I'm never late.''

''Jack, you don't know what I'm talking about.''

''Don't I?''

''Gwen, just ignore him. Men can't understand these things.''

''You're so right. I'm going to get on with some work. What a relief. It's been such a worry all week.''

''Actually, I'm wrong. I was late once. Only once though.''

''JACK!''

''Don't shout at your superior.''

''We're talking about being pregnant, Jack.''

''So am I, Tosh. So am I.''

 

NUMBER FOUR

JUST ONE SPRAY TOO MANY

Everyone.

 

Gwen: What did you say this was called?

Owen: It's got written on it-Schwindelgefühle!

Tosh: Doesn't that mean vertigo? You can't call a perfume vertigo!

Jack: Why not? You can call things anything you like.

Ianto: Perhaps when you use it, you get vertigo!

Tosh: Why should anyone want to use a perfume that gives you vertigo?

Owen: I'll try it and see if I do get vertigo. I've tested it for three days now and there's nothing dangerous in it. There's nothing in it that could give anyone vertigo and it smells great.

Jack: I'll try it first.

Owen: O.K., O.K. I'll spray it on you------there-----now----do you feel dizzy or giddy?

Jack: Wait until I fall over and ask me again-----I'm joking------I'm joking-----I'm not going to fall over-----it's fantastic-----I feel like I could fly------I certainly don't feel like I'm about to fall down-----the reverse really----.

Gwen: Let me try it. Jack looks really happy and it certainly has a lovely smell---it makes me feel all weak at the knees---and I'd forgotten just how fantastically good looking Jack is----spray some just here-----yes---oh---that's SO nice-----it really reaches the spot-----heaven---.

Ianto: I think this perfume has unusual side effects.

Owen: You never relax and enjoy yourself, do you tea-boy. I mean---look at Jack and Gwen---wouldn't you like to be like that for a moment?

Tosh: I would. I'm SICK of being serious all the time---SPRAY ME OWEN----SPRAY ME NOW-------

Ianto: Don't Owen----oh fuck----why do I bother to say anything-----no-one pays any attention---I might as well talk to the wall----hello wall, you're looking great today----no--that's a lie---you're hideous really----

Owen: There, that's everyone except you, Ianto. Stand still and let me spray you--I'm being kind and thoughtful now--I'm calling you by your name and everything----

Ianto: Look at that--I TOLD you it had side effects---it was obvious when Jack said he felt like he could fly---

Owen: They're just being friendly.

Ianto: THAT IS MORE THAN BEING FRIENDLY!

Owen: Well, you can be friendly naked just as easily as clothed. Take your suit off---you'll feel much better.

Ianto: I'm not taking anything off---Owen---DON'T DO THAT--------well---just a very little spray then----now stop doing that-----alright---- do it a bit----just a bit----yes--there---hmm.

Owen: I knew you'd like it-- see how nice things can be when we're all sprayed at the same time----we should do things together much more often.

Gwen: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Jack: I think my cock just fell off----

Tosh: Mnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Ianto: There Owen----oh yes---that feels fantastic---why didn't we do this before?

Owen: No spray available.

Jack: Tosh, have you seen my cock?

Tosh: Mnnnnnnnnn.

Ianto: Owen, go and help Jack. He's lost his cock.

Owen: I can't handle more than one at a time and I'm busy here---ask me later----

Tosh: OH! OH! OH! FUCK!

Jack: Will someone HELP me?

Gwen: What's the matter, darling?

Jack: WHERE IS IT?

Ianto: Stop making such a fuss-----I've had it all the time---well------ a while anyway.

Jack: That's a relief. What did you do with it?

Ianto: I just swallowed it a bit. It tasted delicious.

Jack: I aim to please-----------------

Owen: I'm getting a terrible headache now.

Jack: It serves you right. It's all your fault we're in this mess. You and your stupid perfume.

Owen: I didn't FORCE you to use it!

Jack: You SAID it was safe.

Owen: I only said it wouldn't give you vertigo and it didn't.

Gwen: SHUT UP. I'M IN AGONY HERE!

Tosh: Where's my skirt?

Ianto: Why does everyone make such a fuss about everything---here's your skirt, Tosh----I TOLD you I'd give it back----anyway---its far too tight.

Jack: What's this on my shirt?

Owen: Let me see, I'm a Doctor----it looks like-----well---ask Gwen---I think she had it last----.

Gwen: I only used it to dry myself off.

Ianto: That's disgusting.

Gwen: You can talk--five minutes ago you were doing a dance wearing Tosh's skirt.

Ianto: I WAS NOT----I couldn't get it on--- I just---I just held it around me--I was NOT wearing it.

Jack: What we should do is----what we should do is-----what we should do is----

Owen: My Granny had a record like that. Give him a kick someone----I can't get up at the moment---Tosh's sitting on me.

Tosh: You're on my chair.

Jack: We should---we should-----

Owen: Oh God, he's off again.

Gwen: I'm going to go and lie down.

Jack: Yes, we should---we should----

Ianto: JACK! GET ON WITH IT!

Jack: I remember once my Great Grandfather telling me about a date he had.

Owen: What's that got to do with anything?

Jack: He kept moving closer and closer to her and she objected.

Owen: What the fuck is he on about?

Tosh: I'm going to lie down as well.

Jack: So he said to her----I once had a horse named get up closer--- it was really funny because we didn't have horses any more--not where I lived anyhow----

Owen: He's cracked at last.

Jack: I didn't think it was funny either.

Ianto: I'm going to lie down.

Owen: It's just you and me, Jack. What d'you want to do? Nothing too strenuous because my head is killing me.

Jack: I once had a horse named get up closer.

Owen: I've always liked horses.

Jack: Mnnnnn. 

Owen: Yeh.


End file.
